Thinking about Robin Williams

I have been contemplating whether to post about this for a while. I have obviously had a lot of time to think, especially on difficult days when I was struggling up never ending hills or against headwinds. I thought about it when I had a day off alone at Rogers Pass. And then after having no cell service for a few days one of the first news stories I heard was about Robin Williams apparent suicide and it shocked and saddened me as I am sure it did many others.

A few years ago I would not have been able to even remotely consider a trip like I am doing now. There was nowhere I wanted to be, nothing I wanted to do and I questioned whether that would ever change. It is hard to fathom now the time I was at Rogers Pass surrounded by the mountains that had previously inspired me and people I got on so well with but feeling so flat. I had been feeling that way for a while and I almost left halfway through the camp but I had no idea where to go. I wasn't desperately sad or unhappy I just felt incredibly empty and wanted to escape the annoying and persistent negative soundtrack in my head. 

Twice in the last 10 years I have been diagnosed and treated for clinical depression and in hindsight I have to admit that on each occasion it had probably taken me at least a year if not more to get to the point that I sought help. Feeling worthless and hopeless I had withdrawn from the groups I had been so actively part of and made excuses not to see friends. I didn't see the point of riding my bike or doing anything, it wouldn't have changed how I felt and it seemed like a lot of effort. I got very good at hiding what was going on but it was exhausting. 

I am incredibly fortunate to have a very good family doctor who went above and beyond the call of duty, I remember sitting in her office long after the practice had closed and everyone had gone home. I also saw a psychologist who was patient and understanding. I imagine I was not an easy client, I remember a whole session where he tried to convince me that depression was an illness, I was ill and that was why I was feeling the way I was. I acknowledged that if I were a friend I would be treating myself with care and compassion instead of the anger and impatience I was using. Although at the time I found the sessions incredibly frustrating with hindsight and a healthy frame of mind I now realize I learnt a lot. 

A number of people have asked me if I am doing this ride for a cause. I considered it but decided it might change the dynamic of the ride, I thought I might feel the need to keep pushing on every day and not enjoy the spontaneous moments so much. If I was though it would be for something related to mental health awareness. A number of people including Clara Hughes have done some amazing work raising the profile and getting more people talking about mental health, but I still think there is huge stigma around the topic. I appreciate her efforts and those of Michael Landsberg who wrote an incredibly poignant article after the high profile death of Wade Belak. I told very few people, I was ashamed and felt stupid and guilty, who was I to feel this way when I had a good job, friends and family. Everyone has stresses in their life, nobody needed to hear about mine, I was just weak because I could not figure out my own issues. I was my own worst enemy, with a scientific background I figured there must be a solution to why I was feeling this way, I just had to think harder, the more I internalized everything, got incredibly angry and beat myself up the worse it got. 

I worry that the illness may return but I am better at recognizing the warning signs, asking for help and talking about it. I know now I am not weak and I actually think it made me stronger, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, to find the strength to fight when such a big part of you wants to give up and to be honest I am not sure how I did it but I know it took a long time and I could not have done it on my own. One would assume that someone like Robin Williams would have access to the best care and support available but that wasn't enough, he wasn't weak, he was suffering and in so much pain that he didn't feel he could carry on. I am incredibly grateful that I carried on and that I am physically and mentally healthy enough to be riding across Canada, and more importantly enjoying it. 

Thank you to those who were there for me, you know who you are but you may never know how important you were at that time.